I just realized five reasons why I should support the "Arizona style" immigration bill that Mike Delph got through the Indiana Senate today.
First, I know I'm not smart enough to learn another language, so I'll never know whether those people are talking about me. I'm frightened when I'm around people who are different from me and they're saying things I don't understand. Whatever happened to the Mid-West as a place of monolithic rural culture and one room school houses? I want the good old days back!
In fact, I think no one should be allowed to speak any language but English within the borders of the country, and, as I think they've introduced in Texas, we should not be teaching any foreign languages on the tax payer's bill. Why should I be asked to pay for someone to learn someone else's language?
And why limit it to illegal immigrants? I think we should send all immigrants back to wherever they came from. We should send the Chinese back to Africa where they came from, and Mexicans back to Cuba. Mike, I'm with you!
Secondly, I'm afraid they're going to mug me. You know, Chinese, Canadians, Mexa-ricans, blacks. I keep an eye on anyone who looks like they wouldn't have attended my Hoosier high school basketball games (that is, from my school--sometimes there were, you know, on the other teams that visited). You just can't trust foreigners and, you know. We need to send them all back because you just know they are waiting for you to let your guard down. I can hardly sleep worrying that some foreigner is going to break into my house. I'm with you, Mike!
Thirdly, I'm afraid they're going to take my job. I moonlight as a janitor at a local Motel 6 and you don't know how many cleaning jobs I got passed on because some foreigner beat me to it. I don't care whether they were legal or not. Whites should get first dibs. I'm with you, Mike!
Fourthly, a law is a law. I don't care that your parents brought you here when you were two months old and you don't speak Hungarian. Back to Hungary for you! I think J-walkers should be thrown in jail too, along with all those people who fudge on their income taxes. A law is a law--we're going to throw you into jail if you make personal copies on the company printer because we believe in justice here.
Better yet, let's send anyone who ever breaks any law to Guantanamo or some new island we'll call "ILLEGAL LAND." No, wait, we'll send them all to California, which hardly counts as American anyway. I'm with Michelle Bachmann, let's send all the un-American lawbreakers to California and then drop it in the ocean. I'm with you, Mike!
Finally, I'm with Mike. Jesus didn't know what the heck he was talking about. The Sermon on the Mount--what a bunch of bunk! And give a child a cup of water--if you're not legal or don't speak my language, no way you're getting water from me. That's justice, baby! That stuff in the Law about the stranger in the land; that stuff in the Prophets about the poor, the orphan, and the widow; that stuff Jesus said in the gospels--I've got one word for you: L-I-B-E-R-A-L! If that's Christianity, Glenn Beck and I want nothing to do with it.
I'm with you, Mike! We're Hoosiers. Education's for those liberal states like New York and California.
[For those who thought I was actually serious, here is the translation]